And When It Hurts, You Feel Alive
by Lebreau
Summary: Here I stand, empty hands... cursing her wrists for bleeding, to stop the pain that I'm seeing.  Rated T because of implied mature matters


**Summary is an edited line from Red Sam by Flyleaf. The original is: _Here I stand, empty hands, wishing my wrists were bleeding, to stop the pain from the beatings._**

_I'm sure they're horribly out of character and it's written quite awfully, but you'll have to forgive me. I was feeling low, just a little bit like Brittany is here, and I needed to let it all out somehow... so I did. _

_I don't own Glee, etc etc. You know I don't._

_... oh, and Brittany's description of... some things probably isn't accurate at all. I don't know what it's like and I'll never know. I really don't intend to offend anyone or anything. I just needed to get it all down on pa.. er, computer screen, and so I did.  
_

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"Brittany..." Her voice was deathly quiet as she looked at the blonde's thigh, looked at where the uniform had rode up a little too far this time.

"I... I c-c-can explain, San. I fell..." Brittany's eyes were cast down, one hand clasped tightly around the opposite wrist. She had already smoothed the skirt down back where it was meant to rest, and now she backed up until she was sitting on her bed.

"No... no. You didn't fall, B. You never fall." Santana's voice was still abnormally quiet as she crossed the room to stand next to where Brittany sat. She heard the other girl's breathing quicken slightly as she ran her hand slowly up Brittany's thigh. An ache started in her stomach as she wished, wished so hard, that she was trailing her hand along the soft skin for another reason.

"Brittany. Talk to me, okay? Tell me, please. It's all going to be okay, I just... need to know why you did this, alright?"

The tears running down the blonde's face broke her heart, but she couldn't wipe them away and comfort her. No, not yet. She pressed two fingers lightly against one of the scabs, not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to make her point.

"I... I..." She let out her breath, slow and even in a way that would've fooled some into thinking she was calm... but it wouldn't fool Santana. Never Santana. "I... I'm in a very, very low place, San. I don't know what's up, I don't understand it... and this isn't the usual "oh Brittany doesn't get something" not understanding either... it's something different. I don't like feeling sad and down, you know. I like to be happy and moving. At first, I could deal with it. I'd just close my eyes and dance until all the bad thoughts went away... but they just kept coming back, and I got scared. I was so scared... but then I remembered something that I thought would help."

As she stopped talking, Brittany's arms came up from where they rested on the bed and she wrapped them around herself. Tears were still falling down her face, faster and faster as she took a deep breath and got ready to go on.

"You know the feeling you get after you've fallen down the pyramid, San? I'm sure you do... the hurt that feels good while it hurts. It's the same kind of feeling you get after working your muscles too hard, the sweet kind of pain... well, I thought maybe it could help. I did sit-ups and went running until I could barely move and was crying from the physical hurt, but it wasn't enough, not really. I was falling again, going lower and lower and I had no idea how to stop. But then, one night when I was helping my mom with dinner... the knife slipped and sliced my finger just a little. Instead of swearing and sticking my finger in my mouth like usual, I stared at the line of red starting to come out, and it felt like... maybe I could survive after all. Maybe it would all be okay."

Another breath, a quick shake of her head to get her hair out of her eyes, and then she continued, holding herself even tighter as she continued.

"So... I made it okay. I borrowed the sharp, sharp kitchen knives and hid them in my drawers so I would have them when I needed them. I realized I wouldn't be able to explain the marks if they were on my hands or arms or anything... so I choose a place only I see. Well... you and I, but you weren't coming around nearly as much so I figured it would be okay. And then, it all started and I couldn't stop. I still... still don't think I can."

On the last word, she finally broke completely as Santana looked on helplessly. The brunette's arms were wrapped around the blonde before she even knew she had moved, and she was murmuring "comforting" words softly. "Shhh, it's going to be okay, B","Don't worry, you're okay now" and other lies. It wasn't going to be okay for a very long time, but for right now, Santana was going to do all she could to make the blonde feel safe and loved.

"I'm so sorry, B."

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_Thank you so much for reading. :)_


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